So I’m getting married in almost a month.
Mind. Blown. Kapow.
In preparation for this day of bonding, I have come up with some surefire ways to make your ceremony the absolute best it could possibly be. Okay, maybe not the best. How about unforgettable? That might be better.
– Say your own vows. Thoughtful and charming, right? “I vow to never let go unless we are in the Atlantic, floating on a door. This time, it’s your ass letting go…”. Turn to the audience and be amazed at all the open jaws.
– When the minister asks if there are any objections, have a buddy stand up and proclaim, “I volunteer, I volunteer as tribute!”. Then take your bow and arrow and put one through his chest.
– Insist on always staying on her side of the altar. Share that it reminds you of sharing a booth at a restaurant and that it makes you feel safe.
– Mouth the words when she is saying her vows. Make up different words and seem frustrated as if she’s getting them wrong. “Ugh, no babe… we talked about it, remember?”
– Pull out your phone and check Facebook. At any time during the ceremony. Watch your almost-wife almost kill you.
– Switch your unity candle song to something with a bit more beat. Try 99 Problems by Jay-Z but react to it as if Celine Dion and Josh Groban were fornicating the perfect song.
– Instead of “I do”, see how “Yeah, okay” works out for you.
Please don’t try any of these in your wedding. If you can’t resist, please invite me to your wedding.