It’s All Different Now

Well, here it is.

After a few months of sitting on my hands with news, I finally get to turn this barely functioning blog into a productive member of blog society. I have a new venture that will be a huge feat on a couple levels. Level One- I’m inconsistent here. No, really. Level Two- I’ll probably be busier now trying to find writing time than before when I had all. kinds. of. time.

I’m going to be a dad. On purpose. Bam.

We found out the Sunday before our last few days with Bailey, so you could say the emotions surrounding everything had been at threat level midnight.

I’m excited, terrified and overflowing with emotions that would probably rival most mental patients. Not the same emotions of mental patients mind you, just…overflowing. And good thing for the kid is that he or she will have this online journal to use as reference material when they visit their shrink in 30 years. I’m nothing if not here to help.

I never thought that when I changed my blog to Never Had One Lesson, that it would become the perfect definition for this journey. I have plans to contribute many a post about becoming a dad. What to expect, what naive expectations I already have. I mean I don’t even know why it shouldn’t just take a week or so to potty train a newborn. And just a tip, a baby can cry in a garage just as much as they can cry in a closer nursery room. Fact.

I’m beyond excited and more in love with the wife than ever before. It’s only a few months in and I have no idea how she does it. I get bloated after good pizza so I just can’t even imagine all of that.

So, here’s to Never Had One Lesson as an expectant dad.

I pray for us all.

Millie

We were both late for work. I guess a normal, productive time to leave for work for us is usually around 7:40am or so. Any later than that, it’s a race to the desk. Before that and you’re just showing off.

It was 8:15am.

I’m following her towards the front entrance of the neighborhood and I notice her brake lights in front of me flash but didn’t see anything in front of her. She stopped and opened the door. I thought she must need to tell me something but forgot how cell phones worked. I noticed her looking down at a very waggy tail.

The puppy was probably 3 or 4 months old. A boxer brindle. Her first thought was “she has a collar but not a tag.”. My first thought was “Turn around, get and your car and go back home. Now.”. We looked around, trying to see if anyone was out looking for this pup. Not a soul. We decided that we would take her back to the house where at least she’s safe and deal with the flyers and owner search that afternoon.

We magically maneuvered Lyla, our chocolate lab, out of the way without her getting any glimpse whatsoever of this puppy. It was for her own good.

We tried leaving the addition again only to be stopped by a lady looking around outside her house. Court probably thought, “This is probably the owner.”. I thought, “Drive woman, drive!”. The fact is that Court is better than me and she stopped to ask if this “owner” was missing a dog. Of course she was. She said there was a hole in the fence that she’s been “meaning” to fix. At least I know that if I end up fighting her for custody, I’ll know I’ll be fighting an idiot. I know I gave Court the “do we hafta?” look because she responded to me with the “turn back around” look.

We didn’t even try to hide her from Lyla this time. The puppy was waiting patiently at the back door as we picked her up and took her inside. Lyla’s tail was the happiest out of everyone in that house. It was refreshing and kind of sad at the same time.

Before she loaded up the pup in her car, I rubbed her head and gave her a kiss. I then became really upset. This innocent puppy smelled like smoke. Assholes. I proceeded to let my wife know just how mad I was with exclaiming a very harsh, “tell them to fix their fence!” She responded with a quiet “we can’t change the world.”.

We drove off and stopped in front of this broken fenced lady’s house. I found out that her name was Anna. The dog, not the lady. I think the lady was Cruella. Court did the drop off and we left. Late for work.

To tell you the truth, both of us felt kind of heartbroken. It’s weird how losing one can make you jump quickly to another.

We didn’t talk all day. We usually text a few times a day. Not that day. I couldn’t stop thinking about those few minutes. How that puppy made us feel. How she made Lyla feel.

The next day, Court worked from home. Yeah, she’s one of those people. I went to work and pretty much had the same day as the day before, filled with thoughts of a smoky boxer. My actual work day sucked as well so when I got a text from Court asking when I would be home, I was less than enthusiastic. She did say she was excited to see me so that helped the drive home. As I walked in the door,Lyla comes running up to me. She’s always the first one up. It always makes me smile. Then Court walks around the corner and asks how my day was. I guess the look on my face wasn’t the best as she asked if everything was okay. I assured her that it was and then she sat me on the couch and told me to close my eyes. She walks out of the room and a few seconds later returned and I got the green light to open.

I assumed she has found something she had lost. Made me sugar cookies. Got Lyla a new collar. Bought me the movie Flash Gordon that I’ve been trying to find since the 80′s. In those few seconds, my mind thought of many different things but not one of those things ended up being this thing.

 

The night before we had discussed the possibility of getting another dog. We had one issue and it kept us going back and forth on the issue. She wanted a puppy. I wanted a shelter dog. Never did I think those two wants would come together but here’s my wife finding a sheltered puppy. A shelter had a dog that just had a litter. Here’s the bonus: the shelter she found is a no kill shelter and when they place one of their dogs, they go to a kill shelter and take one back. So I look at it that we saved ours from a possible life in a shelter and saved one from a kill shelter.

Instant life changer.

Even after the amazing moment of getting to know this new lab mix of a puppy we named Millie, it’s still difficult not to think that someone is missing. No doubt that Millie will help us heal, especially Lyla. The funny thing is that Lyla has been thrusted into the big sister role. A role that she has been relishing in so far. But it still feels that Bailey is missing. Or simply missed. Definitely missed.

Millie will never take the place of Bailey. One thing is for certain though, the moment I saw Millie, I already knew I loved her like I did Bailey.

Smokey or not.

Bailey

This will probably be the hardest thing to write about for the simple fact that I’m waiting for it to get easier. Week after week, it’s not getting easier yet week after week, I feel the need to write the post. Here it is without a second thought or edits. I think it’s just easier that way.

Putting down a dog is the hardest thing to do.

Dang it. Okay, I might need to edit that one just a bit. I am in the right mind when I say that no one should ever outlive their children so no, I don’t think putting a dog to sleep is worse than the heartbreak of losing a child. I’m also not in the category of those that view pets as children. That involves dressing up your pets and putting the small ones in strollers. Not cool. Here’s where I might get most disagreement: Dogs are better and kinder than most humans. There is no doubt in my mind.

Bailey was my wife’s chocolate lab that turned 8 a few months ago. I was lucky to get to spend that last year and a half getting to know her. Before I came along and ruined everything, Bailey got the best spot on the couch, the premium spot in the bed and most importantly, total attention from Court. I did however bring Bailey my year old chocolate lab Lyla, who took to Bailey like they were long-lost friends. They both now had someone to run around the backyard with while we weren’t home. The both now had someone to show where the newest scent was and where to dig the best hole. Lyla showed Bailey that it would be in the middle of the backyard. Bailey never showed dirt under the fingernails so we think she may have told Lyla to do the digging and she would be the lookout. Sneaky. Lyla got Bailey to run up and down the yard for no reason other than to simply run.

Bailey was the best hugger. I know that sounds weird but what do you call it when you are sitting on the couch and she jumps up next to you and buries her nose into your armpit? There was nothing to do but put your arms around her. She loved letting us know that it’s breakfast time around 5:30am each morning and if we were, I don’t know, asleep, she would bang her tail against the dresser that at 5:30 in the morning sounded like shotgun.

I would give anything to hear that shotgun tail.

This past December, Court had to leave for the week for work so I had the dogs by myself for the first time. She was coming home on a Friday and that morning, Bailey decided that she wasn’t going to eat her food. This dog usually inhales her food. She barks at you before you get to the food tub because you aren’t getting the food fast enough. She didn’t take one bite. She was very lethargic and barely ate anything that weekend so we took her to the vet that next Monday. Her platelets were extremely low causing her appetite to drop plus her liver enzymes were extremely high. As I type this, I’m not sure what all that really means. We got her some injections and some pills to give her to get everything back to normal and it did. Within that next week she was back to eating like a nutjob and running up and down the backyard with her partner. It’s easy to think everything is back to normal.

She stopped eating again around the end of February. All she wanted to do was sleep and by looking at her, you could just tell that something wasn’t right. We got her in and her platelets were even worse than before. Liver enzymes were back to normal but her white cell count was registering off the charts. Her healthy cells decided to attack her. She also developed a mass by her tail that was causing issues with her walking. This mass was checked earlier and was found not to be cancer. Just a dumb mass. At this point she was too weak to stay home and with her still not eating, she stayed at the vet for a week. She did show some progress as she would fight and eat her food. And she would fight and drink water. The vet told us that he had seen a lot of dogs that give up. Bailey was fighting to get back home. We had hope. We still didn’t know what to pinpoint the problem to, but we had hope. Court would go see her everyday, just so Bailey would see someone familiar at that place. Bailey needed it. Court needed it more.

After a week at the vet and some tests, we found out that her pancreas was enlarged and her intestines were inflamed. She had a lot of fluid built up in her abdomen that was tough to see. We did however get a big blessing. We never got pictures of us with the dogs that we had wanted for a long time. Our good friend Sheradee stopped her routine and came out to the vet office to give us a mini-shoot with the dogs. We can’t thank her enough with what she was able to give us that day.

The vet then contacted Court and I’m thankful I was with her when we got the call. They called to let us know that what they are doing isn’t going to work anymore.

They couldn’t pin it on cancer without exploratory surgery and we were both in agreement that we didn’t want to put her through that. Court has a great relationship with the vet and she asked him what she should do. I still don’t know how she was able to ask that question, knowing what the answer would be.

The vet, who I’ve only been using since I met Court, is an amazing vet with the best manner when it comes to pets and from what I was about to find out, how to answer this question.

He said without surgery to go in and try to find something that we may not find, therefore unnecessary, you have to think about letting her go.

We brought her home on a Monday, knowing that it would probably need to be done that week. Also, it gave Lyla some time with Bailey. A few friends stopped by to see her and it was nice to see so much support from amazing friends. I was at work on Tuesday when Court called me. Long story short, she was ready. We wanted to make it to Thursday, maybe even Friday but when you think about it, that kind of Thursday or Friday could very easily be turned into a Monday or Tuesday.

You will never be okay with the day you drive your pet to the vet for the last time.

I don’t really want to share that ride and that afternoon here simply because given the circumstances, I don’t know if it could have gone any better. We had time with her as we drove to the vet. We got to spend some amazing time with her in the room. She was even given two pieces of chocolate cake that she inhaled in two bites. I think that will be the memory I will hold onto for the rest of my life. How happy that chocolate cake made her for a few minutes.

She had the hands of those that loved her the most on her. She did glance back once at the vet as he initially stuck her hind leg, but after that she never took her eyes off of Court. It believe it was her way of reminding us that she’s okay. After a little less than a minute she laid her head down on the blanket.

We were given some time after to simply sit with her. We ended up sharing stories and laughing. The shotgun tail of course got the most laughter from us both. When it was time for us to leave, I could see the panic in Court’s eyes. We got past the hard part, right? Well, maybe that wasn’t the hard part. Maybe driving away minus one was going to be the hard part. I knelt down and kissed Bailey on the forehead and whispered in her ear, “Thank you for the best spot on the couch and I will love Court for the rest of my life”. I know Bailey didn’t hear it, but I also know that she already knew it.

I hugged Court and we managed to get back home. It has been a few weeks of tears and healing. There are moments that stop you and make you think that it’s not real, that Bailey is still at the vet getting better. There are days that you laugh at all the things she would do and you are reminded at just how blessed and lucky a person can be.

Bailey loved Courtney with everything. And she trusted me not to screw that up. She even taught Lyla a thing or two. She taught Lyla that breakfast started at 5:30am too.

You win, sweet Bailey girl. You win.

Left: Lyla Right: Bailey – I think this was them laughing after Bailey told her about the 5:30 breakfast time.

2012 Recap. Yes I Know It’s March

I just realized that I never did a 2012 recap. I think you can’t call yourself a blogger if you don’t recap each year. I think it’s in the handbook somewhere. Good thing I’m barely a writer. I think I can get away with it on some sort of “who are you?” technicality.

Obscurity for the win.

In January I don’t think I did much of anything. Sat a job that I absolutely hated. Probably watched some TV.  This post is starting out amazing.

In February I was rushed to the emergency room for an erupted gall bladder. The doctor said he had never seen anything like it. He said it was like an overstuffed pouch of marbles. Or gallstones. Marbles sounds better. Or it kind of doesn’t. Fact is that I had to spend my first Valentine’s day with my future wife sitting back in a recliner while I try to impress her with my conversation skills since watching anything funny on TV made me laugh which made my stomach and stitches really mad at me.

In April I did some proposing. Long story short, she said yes and it all worked out.

In May we went to Portland to visit friends and I got to see my first MLS game but not before watching one of our friends obliterate his Achilles tendon from skipping across the street. Complete rupture. From skipping. I doubt he has ever told the truth about that to anyone.

In June we went to Dallas for her birthday and saw Chris Martin and the gang sing some songs. We also endured the night that I didn’t introduce her to one of my friends and the ensuing dinner was über awkward for everyone sitting at the table. We eventually got married so she got over it.

In July we went with some friends to Destin, Florida for my birthday week. Yes. I get a week and let me tell you, a week at the beach will cure anything you might be going through. Moonshine will make sure of that.

In August we went to New York with my family. The absolute best day was when we took our last full day and just went off by ourselves and walked 760 miles. I simply loved being with her.

In October we got married. I’ve previously posted about this so I will just say that everything was at the perfect time, in the perfect place. Just how we intended it to be.

In November we slept.  All month.  Seriously.

In December we had our first Christmas and thought it would be a good idea to start a tradition on Christmas Eve and bring out the mattress into the living room by the fire and watch Christmas movies and sleep until morning. Don’t do this with two labs. They won’t know what to think and will only want to sleep on top of you.

Bam. My whole year adequately explained. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

A Favor

Sometimes you feel the need to ask someone else to write something. If nothing else but to become inspired yet again.

I messed up. A few months back, I was asked to participate in a blog relay. We were to write about the word hope in whatever way we wanted to. I did that. And as instructed, I also invited three other friends to do that. And they did. They did amazing jobs. Here is where I messed up.

I forgot one friend.

If I were to think of the word hope, it’s easy to think of this person and make a connection. I’ve read this person for a good while now and let me tell you, she is one of the best ones out there.

I know this is kind of after the fact and not in line with the whole relay, which again, my fault. I hope she will take this task and run with it. I can totally see this person helping a lot of her readers who may be struggling with something. Whatever it may be.

Alycia, I hope you will take this challenge at some point in the future and make it your own.

UPDATE:

Only she would respond in record time.

Hope

Seven Things

The great and very awesome and famous writer Brittany came up with a great list of seven things she can’t live without. Seems simple enough and since my writing has been stellar and overflowing these past couple of months, I thought I’d give it a go.

1. The iPhone. Very cliche and very annoying. On my 15-20 minute commutes to work, I’ll “check” it probably 42 times. And don’t get me started on being stuck at red lights. It’s just a thing I have. Like a nervous tic that may or may not cause a future horrific car crash.

2. Thanks to the wife, Sons of Anarchy. I’m all caught up and now can’t wait until new seasons start. I want to get a motorcycle. I want leather. I’m mad that my job won’t allow my goatee to assume the recommended bad ass length.

3. My ring. I know, very cheesy. I forgot it one day and a part of me felt like I wasn’t married. She then gave me a hall pass. Luckily for me I came to the understanding that she was probably joking so I ate at Chili’s that night, not Applebee’s. Close call.

4. A notebook. Or a pad of paper. Or a bill envelope. Point is that I doodle. A lot. If I don’t have paper then I find a napkin. Or my desk. Yes, I’ve doodled on my desk. That’s a weird sentence.

5. The movie Better Off Dead. John Cusack before he became the rom-com staple. I grew up with this movie and can quote every line. Literally. Every line. If you’ve seen it, you know how awesome it is. If you haven’t then I have a question: How dare you?

6. iPod shuffling. Sure I only really listen to a handful of songs, but the shuffle feature allows me to listen to a couple seconds of thousands of songs while I get to those handful. I’m not sure I’m using my iPod correctly.

7. Reese’s Peanut Butter Miniatures. Really, is there anything better?

So Brittany, how did I do?

Give A Damn

I read a post about a couple months ago by a blogging friend. We’ve never met, mostly because there’s this thing called the Atlantic Ocean in between us, but it’s like I know her. I absolutely adore this woman and admire how she has built a relationship with the word change.  Basically taking the fear out of change and succeeding.  After I read this post, I was in awe. I shared how awesome her thoughts were in the comments of her post. I decided to do something with that word in my own life. I wanted this passion that she had found. Making conscious decisions to push through whatever I needed to get through.

Then I let it go.

And it wasn’t the first time to let it go. I’ve had many stops in my life to make a change, only believing in my intentions and not my commitment. I’ve realized that she figured it out for me. Fear can keep you at a place where you are safe and protected… and as unproductive as you possibly can imagine.

This can be used in many situations. Change in your job, your relationships, your self-worth. Change is good for all things. It is what keeps us living. Or maybe it keeps us from dying.

One great thing about Liz for those that haven’t had a chance to read her is that she has fallen in love with running. She found her oxygen with running. I won’t go into all the reasons she has shared with her readers as to why running is so important and all the benefits it has given her.

Really, go read her.

I’m looking at change for many parts of my life but for this post, I’m taking her lead and choosing change for my health. It has forced me to come to terms with where I’m at. Now let me say this: In no way should I be in front of camera with someone yelling at me that it’s my last chance workout. I’m not in such bad shape that I need any outside help whatsoever. I simply need to get to the gym. I need to add some broccoli to my plate. There are even reasons beyond the getting in better shape variety are starting to become more and more relevant. I simply don’t feel well. Blood pressure at scary levels and all that crap. Lethargic as all get out. Deciding to always catch up on the DVR instead of GOING OUTSIDE. Just feeling like I’m living in some sort of shell, however nice and soothing the shell may be at times. It’s still not allowing me to live.

I simply need to give a damn.

If 2012 was any indication, this new year that starts tomorrow holds amazing things if I search them out. And my blogging friend hits it right on the head: “Fear is an asshole.”

Here’s to an epic battle.

October 20, 2012

So I got married.

What took six months of planning and waiting seemed to be over in 26 seconds. I still try and remember what all was said and how it all unfolded bit by bit and seem to fail every time. I will share some thoughts from that Saturday that are sort of flashes in my mind.

- Feeling okay ten minutes before the ceremony. Still calm. Somewhat cool. Pretty collected.

- Being terrified standing there that once I started my vows, I would lose it. It became my turn and I   composed myself long enough to finish them and to let out a big sigh of relief afterwards.

- My grandmother dancing at the reception. My 92 year old grandmother.

- The heartfelt toasts we received.

- How she told me before the wedding that the cake goes into her mouth and not on her face and that she would physically hurt me if I tried anything…as I placed the piece of cake ever so gently in her mouth.

- The first dance. Our first official deep breath of realization that it was in fact, real.

- Watching her light up as friends and family took turns hugging and chatting with us.

- Being pulled every single direction during that reception. From what I was told, that’s normal.

I do however remember one thing about that day that’s crystal clear. And that would be the moment around 1:15 pm that Saturday, about 15 minutes into the ceremony. I remember seeing the doors open and watching her smile. I remember her walking down that aisle. A good friend told me if nothing else, remember that walk and seeing her for the first time. They said I would not forget it.

I’m hopeful that the video we invested in (and will hopefully be put up here shortly) will show just how awesome that day was. But I’m positive that I will never forget how beautiful she looked or how happy she was making me during that short walk towards me. I will never forget that moment. It’s the moment I really saw my wife for the first time and knew that everything in my life had brought me to that particular moment to join that particular person.

I simply couldn’t keep the smile off my face.

What Comes Next?

Yeah, I’ll admit it. Marriage is on the brain so shoot me. Actually don’t shoot me. Court has been reliving her love of Sons of Anarchy with me so I can get up to speed with the current season and if you did shoot me, there will definitely be retaliation. And you don’t want to face someone who learned retaliation methods from the folks of SAMCRO. Just trying to help you out, shooter.

So I can’t help to think what will be expected after the wedding day is over. Not that NIGHT, perverts. I know there’s a big feast and some sort of expected circus show. I’m no dummy. I’m talking about the day-to-day life after  you do walk out of that chapel and after the honeymoon week at some resort where you eat and drink until you are beached out by the water. After all that… then what? So much focus has been put on one thing the past 6 months, it’s weird to think that it will be over and new things will need to be figured out.

Just some random thoughts that have been popping up the last few weeks:

- Like what closet space do I really get? I get that they really only expect for you to have a total of 3 shirts 2 pairs of pants  that can go neatly on the end of the rack and the funny thing is that those 5 articles of clothing are still scrunched up to the max.

- Okay, the towel is not on the floor. It’s on the rack. Not like yours that looks like it’s straight out of the Fall issue of Pottery Barn. It’s hanging. Off the ground. Now, off my back.

- Will I get the disapproving eye when all I want at 1:00 am is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

- Do I have to go to bed when YOU go to bed?

- If you get invited to go to the flower nurseries to check on Spring’s new line, does that mean I have to go check out the flowers with you and your friends or can I still go do ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD?

- Will the amount of toilet tissue I use for everyday use become an issue after we tie this knot?

- If I want to watch 7 straight hours of Property Brothers, then I feel like I should be able to watch 7 straight hours of Property Brothers.

- I really just think that a toothbrush left on the counter is simply more readily accessible for the next usage, no?

- You can cover up with layers. I can’t peel off my skin. The fan stays on.

- When I watch movies, I don’t like talking. I like to talk when I’m not watching a movie. We good?

Funny thing is that I can’t wait to find all this stuff out. The  growing pains that awaits seems to be a good thing. Or a fun thing at least for me. I mean, how hard can it be to live with me? I only have 2 pairs of pants.

Make Your Wedding Memorable

So I’m getting married in almost a month.

Mind. Blown. Kapow.

In preparation for this day of bonding, I have come up with some surefire ways to make your ceremony the absolute best it could possibly be.  Okay, maybe not the best. How about unforgettable? That might be better.

- Say your own vows. Thoughtful and charming, right? “I vow to never let go unless we are in the Atlantic, floating on a door. This time, it’s your ass letting go…”. Turn to the audience and be amazed at all the open jaws.

- When the minister asks if there are any objections, have a buddy stand up and proclaim, “I volunteer, I volunteer as tribute!”. Then take your bow and arrow and put one through his chest.

- Insist on always staying on her side of the altar. Share that it reminds you of sharing a booth at a restaurant and that it makes you feel safe.

- Mouth the words when she is saying her vows. Make up different words and seem frustrated as if she’s getting them wrong. “Ugh, no babe… we talked about it, remember?”

- Pull out your phone and check Facebook. At any time during the ceremony. Watch your almost-wife almost kill you.

- Switch your unity candle song to something with a bit more beat. Try 99 Problems by Jay-Z but react to it as if Celine Dion and Josh Groban were fornicating the perfect song.

- Instead of “I do”, see how “Yeah, okay” works out for you.

Please don’t try any of these in your wedding. If you can’t resist, please invite me to your wedding.